Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
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She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
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All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.