I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.