i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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