I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
