i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
