just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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