So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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