my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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