I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
