Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
