this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
