I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
