It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
