I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
