You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
