I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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