im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
