I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
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The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
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And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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