It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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