Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
