you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
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It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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