is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
