So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
