I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You pole danced in your parka.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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