she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
