got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
