you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
50% drunk capacity currently
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
