thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
