I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
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I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
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I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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