The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
