Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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