I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
