I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
