Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
