You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
