Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
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