Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He kissed a someone with a penis
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
