so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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