Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
