I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
