dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
