dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
