Where did you get a picture of my penis
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
