I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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