I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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