i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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