Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
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