just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
