it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
