i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
