clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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