Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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