There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
