That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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