I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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