I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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