I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
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I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
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I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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