Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
